Confessions of A Fat Chick

Ok, so some of you might have wondered what the hell happened to me. I have been disillusioned by thinking that I've been doing 'ok'. What a joke.

Today, a friend said to me, "Its not what you look like, its what you see when you look at yourself."

I think he meant to be saying something nice, but it made me take a good, hard, long look at myself.

UGH.

Needless to say, it was just the kick in the ass I needed to get back on the wagon. So, here I am. Tomorrow starts a new day, a new quest and a new challenge. Wish me luck.

I hate it that I have not been able to update for several days now. The good news is that I joined weight watchers online and have been doing well with it. So far, since the beginning of this journey, I have lost 12 lbs. I have also convinced my husband and daughter to do weight watchers with me. We are seriously making an effort to be sucessful at this.

Work has been busy, and sometimes stressful for me. I normally don't stress about much stuff, but I honestly cannot stand stupid people, and this time of year, we tend to get many of those types in our store. For some reason, they tend to gravitate towards me at work and avoid the other employees. They want me to help them. *gah*

Anyway, I will keep posting updates as I go along. I appreciate all my wonderful friends who are supporting me thru this, and I hope that you all know that.

Love you all,
Michelle

I didn't get up and walk like I said I was going to. I had something better to do, and it needed to be done.

That said, I had a very good breakfast this morning, and did not feel tired all day, so I think I will continue that trend. I had cereal, whole wheat toast, and yogurt. It was good.

I had planned on tuna salad on lettuce again today for lunch, but was suprised by a friend who was in the neighborhood and asked me to go out to lunch with him. We had mexican. I probably should NOT have eaten that. It wasn't even really that good, but it was nice to get out of the office to eat.


On the way home, Charlotte called and said she was spending the night at my sisters house, so I didn't have to cook dinner. Just had a bowl of cereal instead. It was satisfying.

I didn't get to listen to my CD last night either. I am definately going to do it tonight. I didn't sleep well last night, and I know I will if I listen to it.

Tomorrow will be a good day, better than today.

I am so glad I posted the link to my fitday.com log. It seems like it will help many of my friends.

I logged all my stuff there again today to see how bad the mexican lunch did me in. an extra almost 400 calories for the day. Sucks ass. Won't do that again.

Hang in there guys, we can do this!

Yesterday I sat here looking at some photographs of myself. The earliest one was when I was a JR. in high school, then there were a few of HS Graduation, and then we go to some that were taken in 92, my first year in the Army. Then one of me when I was 6 months pregnant with my son. I miss that person.

So, I took those pictures to work with me today. I wanted to show my friend Karen. I showed her the picture, she looked at it for a minute and then suddenly realized that it was ME in that picture. It really hit me hard whenever she said OH MY GOD! You were so little!

Its true. I used to be in VERY good shape. I know that its pretty unrealistic for me to think I could be there again, but I don't want to be where I am anymore.

( todays log )

I had forgotten about this handy tool. Any of you who are on the diet track too, this is a good tool.

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mlstoots

I won't update it daily, but its good to do a spot check on caloric intake and to see how my pie chart comes out.

Not bad, a little over 1,300 calories today.

I think I am going to listen to my hypnosis CD now. I dont know if the thing works or not, but I sure do sleep better when I listen to it.

Im also making a promise to myself.

I WILL get up early in the morning and go walking.

If the money is in the bank, I will join weight watchers.

I want to look better, be healthy and feel good.

Note to self.

Don't "forget" your meds just cause you think you don't need them. When you do that, days like today piss you off and make you very, very grumpy.

Thanks.

Ok, so today has NOT been a very good day.

It started out with me discovering that my bank STILL has a hold on my payroll check that was deposited on Friday AM.

Then, my lunch was foiled by not having what I wanted.

THEN, I started not feeling well. Nausea and ick..

THEN, I decided to fix tuna salad for lunch tomorrow and forgot about the eggs I put on to hard boil. Did you know that if you boil eggs until the water is all gone that the eggs will eventually explode? Yeah.. leaves a nasty mess.

Oh well.

( what I ate today )

The good news.... I've lost 6 lbs.

I haven't updated in days. Not because I didn't want to, but because this is literally the first time in 3 days I have sat down at the home computer. I don't think I can recall everything I ate 3 days ago, but I will say that I haven't eaten badly....well, yesterday wasn't so great, but it wasn't horrible either.

I wish I wasn't so freaking tired all the time. I mean literally, lately, I have felt like I could lay down at any time of the day and take a nap. I've never been a napper. Its odd.

So I was going to sign up for weight watchers online, but DAMN. $65 for 3 months and 16.95 a month after that... WTF. Or just one month for $46.50 and 16.95 a month after that.

Bastards.

wasn't a bad day....

( log )

Yesterday was not a really good day on the diet front. I ate too much at dinner. The problem was that Charlie fixed dinner before I got home and left my plate in the microwave. There was about twice as much as what I should have eaten on the plate. Yup. You guessed it. I ate it all. Stupid me.

( Day seven log )

Ok ... NOT going to eat that much, that late anymore.

Read about an interesting device last night. There is a dental appliance out now that reduces the size of your palatal vault, thereby forcing you to take smaller bites and eat slower, thus giving your brain time to receive the 'Im satisfied" signal. Clinical studies have shown that it does decrease the amount of caloric intake by almost 25%. It works well on people who, like me, tend to eat too fast because we are in a hurry. (I blame it on the military... hahaha)

Anyway, thought it was intersting. I might look in to it. I'm betting it would cost about $400. Will find out today, just cause I am curious.
If anyone else wants to look : http://www.mydentaldiet.com

Today was an incredibly busy day at work. Hardly time for me to even think about what I was eating, just felt lucky to get to eat. I'm thinking that this is going to be really tough....


( Log )

Im craving ice cream really bad.

Has anyone ever tried hypnosis for weight loss?

I have a CD that I got several years ago. Whenever I use it, I do seem to do better with weight loss and exercise, not to mention I sleep great. Its pretty old.. maybe 10 years.

In any case, I am thinking of trying a new one. I got an email advertising one by a hypnotist that I have read about on several occasions and frequent her website. It had some interesting facts.

I am including the following because she said if I did, they would send me something in return. Can't hurt right?

Not having an incentive to lose weight, makes weight loss impossible.
"Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times." ~ Randy Glasbergen
Hypnosis is a powerful weight-loss tool. Find out how hypnosis can help you lose weight!


time for breakfast....

Today was... eh. I should have spent some time getting some exercise but it was DAMN hot outside. In hindsight, I could have just stood outside for 30 minutes and sweating alone could have done the trick.

Wait. Thats an excuse. I have to quit making it so convenient to not getting exercise when I have the opportunity to do it. I said I was going to wait until after August to try to get into a schedule, but whats stopping me from doing it now, just whenever I can? Nothing but laziness.

Ok, thats it. New promise- Whenever I am afforded the opportunity, I WILL get some form of exercise. Even if its only 15 minutes.

( day six log )

Work has been extremely busy the last few days, and in fact, this is the first time I've even LOOKED at LJ since the last entry. My scheduling is wierd right now, so I haven't been able to stick to a regular schedule for meals.. but I'm not doing bad. I have lost 4 lbs... probably water weight, as I have increased my water intake again.



( day three log )

( day four )

( Day Five )

Today was a much better day. My mood was better, thanks to having had my meds back in my system. I didn't seem as tired as I have lately either.

I was pleasantly suprised that I had enough willpower to say no whenever I was offered a piece of what looked like a very good chocolate cake that one of the girls brought to the office.

Tomorrow is Charlottes birthday and I knew we were going to have cake at home tonight for her since she is going to Texas with Charlie on Thursday. I'm crashing in Tulsa since no one will be home. Anyway, I passed on the cake at work so I could have a small piece at home. I shouldn't even have one at home, but its her birthday, and Charlie made the cake (which looked horribly ugly, but tasted good.. he did a good job) and Charlotte had been looking forward to having her birthday cake with us all week.

So, keeping that in mind, I cut back all day so I could have my cake and eat it too.

( So here's today's food log...... )

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I feel horrible about it. My husband, bless his heart asked me what was wrong and I just replied that I didn't feel very good.

We ask each other every now and then how we feel. And we don't mean physically. Its something that we agreed to do about a year ago. Of course, as I sat here yesterday bascially throwing a little fit of self loathing, it occured to me that for some reason that I just really can't figure out, I have not taken my "be happy pill" for quite some time. I can't remember when I took it last. Its been about a week I think.

Thats not good. I have to keep reminding myself that even when I *think* I don't need it, I really do. I've accepted the fact that I am going to have to take that stupid little pill for probably the rest of my life. Maybe.

Now that I think about it, maybe taking care of THIS business will alleviate some of that business. We will see. I took it last night.

So, I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better. I can think a little more clearly and I don't feel like stabbing myself with a fork.

I am going to make a few notes here that are basically so I don't forget what I'm doing.

1) write it down. everything. everyday. The cold hard truth about what is causing this issue is hand to mouth issues. If its in my hand, and goes to my mouth... WRITE IT DOWN. Seeing is believing.

2) Just say NO.

3) Get your lazy ass out of bed earlier tomorrow so you will have time to either walk or bike and come back and use that exercise ball you bought 2 years ago. You actually like using it remember?

4) Clean the kitchen. Get rid of it. I don't care how upset the kid or husband get. Give that shit to your sister or throw it away. Get it out.

5) Never. EVER. go to the grocery store when you are hungry again. EVER.


I'm sure I will think of more later, but thats it for now.

Time to update todays log.

From the earliest days of my generations lives, we have been subjected to our mothers harpings that we WILL finish every bit of food on our plate or there will be no dessert. There are starving children in (insert whatever 3rd world country we are fawning over at the time) who would be grateful to have that food on our plate. We have been supersized, sonicsized, kingsized and upsized.

As women, we have been told what we should look like, how we should dress and that its been ok to eat as much as we could and then shove our fingers down our throat to puke it back up. The teenage girl icons that I admired as an impressionable youth made it cool to have eating disorders as long as those disorders made you skinny.

I was told time and time again that one of these days, I would end up weighing 300 lbs. Way to boost the self esteem and give a glimmer of confidence.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen. Thank god I have seen the err of my ways. I have finally admitted that yes, I am fat. I don't like being fat, and frankly, up until about a week ago, I didn't even *feel* fat. I was in that happy place called denial. I thought that as long as I was healthy, and maintained an active lifestyle without feeling like I was going to die from shortness of breath, then my weight did not really matter. Who have I been kidding?

Perhaps it is shallow of me to feel this way, but I *want* to be and feel sexy again. I want my husband to look at me and be so overcome with desire that he cannot keep his hands off of me. I want to look good.

Something has happened in the last few weeks that has made me lose the confidence that I once had. I don't know what it is. Wait. I lied. I DO know what it is. I'm FAT. I stood in front of a mirror and looked at the body staring back at me and had no idea who it was. I looked at a photograph of myself and wondered where the hell my cheekbones went. I looked at a pair of pants in the store and said "Damn! those are HUGE" and then couldn't put my fat ass into them.

Well guess what? I'm pissed off now. No longer will I cave in to the urge to 'clean my plate'. No longer will I make stops on the way home for a milkshake. No longer will I be uncomfortable. I've had it.

Why did it take me so long to come to this conclusion? Hell, I don't know. But I have been thinking about it all day long. And as I created this blog, I stopped midstream to go fix dinner for my family. We sat down with a plate of pasta, and I ate. And when I finished my plate, I went to the kitchen and got more. As I sat there looking at the last four or five bites of it, I wanted to stab myself with my fork and say WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? DIDN'T YOU JUST DECIDE YOU AREN'T GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE?

Jesus H. Christ. What is it going to take for me to realize that I MUST slow down when I eat, in order for my brain to recognize the fact that I've eaten and I am no longer ravenously hungry. What do I have to do to not get to the point of being ravenously hungry and then sitting down and stuffing myself with crap that I have no business eating.

Let me explain something. When it comes to food, I am probably the stupidest smart person you will ever meet. I know what it takes to eat right and lose weight. I know all the rules about dieting. I could probably tell you the ins and outs of almost ALL of the major diet fads out there. The ones that work, the ones that don't and why they do and don't work and what happens when you quit them thinking that you have done enough. I know it all... there just isn't enough will power for me to make it happen.

Well, enough is enough. I am going to take the next month to arm myself with the knowledge that I know I have and can find and I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor and have my yearly physical done and start on the long road to recovery from this disease.

I am going to log it all right here for all of you to see. Be warned. I am not going to be nice. I am going to say things that may offend some people. I am going to say things that will probably offend myself and piss me off bad enough to fall off the wagon, and then beat myself up over the next day. I will chew my own ass for making stupid choices and then get over it and get on with it. As my friends, I want you to be equally harsh with me. I promise that whatever is said here will be taken with a grain of salt and I will be adult about it, accepting the consequences of my actions. I need for it to NOT be socially acceptable to fail.

And so, a journey of epic portions (thats right, portions, not proportions) begins.